Thankful - For What I Have and Unanswered Prayers

Today I write this just hours before the American holiday of Thanksgiving.  While the actual celebration of Thanksgiving in the United States is a reflection on some horrific acts committed against the indigenous people in this country, the time for me to reflect for what I am thankful for is a true blessing. Maybe it sounds sappy, but there are so many things that I am thankful for.

My life is truly blessed with the best children that I could have ever asked for.  My youngest daughter who thinks that this holiday is cursed because this is the second year in a row where she is sick for the holiday lay sleeping next to me. What more could I be thankful for then listening to the sounds of her breathing knowing that she fell asleep in my arms?  My older two children are both out with their friends, but home tomorrow to spend time with me.  The house is quiet now, but I know that tomorrow it will be filled with laughter.  For that I am thankful.

My sister who is at work because of the dreaded curse of retail.  For her I am thankful. If you have never had a sister who calls you on your bullshit, you are truly missing out.  She is liking having a frenemy because she brings out the best and the worst in you.  If I ever truly want someone to bury a body with me, it would be her.  If I ever want someone to say, "girl, stop crying, get your ass up and do something about it!," it would be her.  For that I am thankful.

I do not have a large circle of friends, but for those who are truly my friends, I am thankful. When I need someone to talk to, I have a few of you that can be there.  I have those friends who can just know that I need to vent, and let me do so. My close friends I hold dear in my heart, even those who live far away and I don't speak to often.  For that I am thankful.

For every bad memory, for every good one, for every struggle, and for every triumph, I have become this person- a messed up, well intentioned, smart-ass, who still believes in praying for signs.  Someone who looks for the good in people even after I thought I have lost my way.  When I prayed for something to happen and it didn't, I know it is because something better is coming my way.  For the couple of men in my life who I have loved, I am thankful.  For the lessons that I have learned about how not to be loved and how not give love, I am thankful.

I will continue to pray for signs to help guide me when I have lost faith in either my heart or mind.  I will remind myself to keep being thankful for all that I have and for all the unanswered prayers that will lead me to something better.

Wisdom 2 - Demons, Nightmares, Secrets

If you didn't read Wisdom 1, for my recent birthday I made a list of 26 wisdoms.  These are my thoughts on what is important in the world.  I looked back and thought to myself what do I feel is important.  Number 16 is my favorite, so if you are wondering what it is, you will need to wait until I get to that blog. 

Wisdom number 2 to me reminds me partially of that Billy Joel song, "The Stranger." During one of my break-ups, my boyfriend told me that I was not acting like the person that he knows I am.  I coldly looked at him and said, "you don't know me that well."  This was partially true and partially my stranger.  In the song Joel says, "we all fall in love, but we disregard the danger.  Though we share so many secrets, there are some we never tell." Had I ever let this person see my stranger?  I thought maybe one stranger, but not the other.  Had I ever let someone see all the sides of me?  Is this why so many relationship around the world fail?

Wisdom #2

Love the person who helps quiet your inner demons, helps the nightmares go away, the one you can share your secrets with.

 The truth of the matter is that I have trust issues.  Big shocker, right? Don't we all.  There is not one person in this world who knows all of my secrets.  We walk around with this mask of who we are or really who we pretend to be.  Trying to avoid pain, we hide away from the truth.  We build walls around our hearts and try not to let anyone get to them because is love worth the potential pain?

I have to thank that boyfriend because he did help quiet the inner demons that he knew about.  He was supportive of the emotional broken person that he knew.  He knows me more than I allowed most.  The truth is that he saw the big cracks, but never knew about the cracks in the foundation.  When you truly find someone who you allow to enter the wall around your heart, you share the secrets that have cracked the foundation.  These are the secrets that you have tucked away and hidden so that the mask you wear everyday can still seem real.  This is when you realize that there are so many walls that need to be broken down.

We all have nightmares or memories that haunt us.  Are you able to share these with your partner?  There are times that I wake up with a terrible sense of dread.  Are you able to share these with the person you love even when they reveal the cracks of your foundation?  Until you are able to share these memories, you will continue to have a stranger that your partner doesn't know.

When you find the person that you can share every part of you, every mask that you wear, every haunting memory, cherish that person.  I use to say that I don't believe in love.  What I really meant is that it scares me more than anything to let someone else in.  If you are lucky enough the realize that the half full glass is refillable, let love in.

Wisdom 1 - Your Soul

On my last birthday I created a list of wisdoms that I have learned throughout my life.  So far, I have come up with 26!  I am sure that there are many more that I can think of.  I am hoping the list continues to grow because I want to believe that there is so many more lessons to learn. Wisdom #1:

Never regret being in love, but realize the true love should help your soul not damage it. 

It sounds cliche to talk about love being a splendid thing. I also think that many people confuse love with admiration, lust, avoiding loneliness, co-dependency, and the like.  I can't say that I truly have loved very many people.  Of course, there are my family members that I love - my children, sisters, nieces, nephews, etc.  I understand that there are times when even family member are toxic in someone's life.  What I want to talk about is being in love with a partner.

There is something so intense in life when you fall in love with a partner.  You know this love feels like nothing else.  It can be the wrong person at the right time, sometimes the right person at the wrong time, or if you are lucky it is the everlasting kind of love.  So never regret being in love with someone because love is that emotion that can consume you and make you feel like life was meant to be lived just like this.  True love should never destroy you.  

Last night, I stood behind my sister, supporting her, being there for her as she watched the man that she loved for 7 years lay in wood box.  I love my sister immensely and it was breaking my heart watching her look at man that had been such a big part of life now just a body without a breath.  Less than 6 months ago because love should not damage the soul, they broke up.  The end of their relationship was not the end of her love for him.  If you truly love someone, the love never stops.  It may decrease or be tucked away, but never truly gone.  While she supported his family, they supported her.  

At the viewing, they told stories about his life.  It was nothing like Shakespeare's Julius Caesar, "the evil that men do lives with them, and the good is oft interred with their bones."  (It is one of my favorite quotes from the play.)  Only good memories were shared as it should be.  Even his pastor of 22 years came up to my sister to see how she was holding up.  Family members who gathered from all over came to meet my sister.  They had heard about her for years and wanted to meet the last woman that their departed relative had loved. She told me that he had loved her in his own way.  All the proof she needed was all the people she never met who knew about her.  I type this now knowing that today will be even harder as I hear her getting ready for his funeral.

Another cliche, life is short!  There was a time when his love helped heal her soul from previous bad relationships.  Life has many lesson and I know she will never regret the love that they shared.  She can not erase the 7 years of memories that they had.  I don't want to imagine the pain she is feeling right now.  I have to believe that her soul will heal from this tragic loss.

My lesson here, while I do not believe that they should have reunited, is that don't take love for granted.  Never regret that you have fallen in love, because it can be so rare.  Go out and find the love that can heal your soul.  When love damages your soul, learn to identify the damage caused and realize that love should not be this way.  It is okay to still love someone who is not right for you.  Life and love are both blessings.  

Are You Outraged? I am!

A couple of years ago, a new slogan was introduced in the United States - "Make America Great Again!"  Sounds like a nice sentiment.  Who doesn't want to live in an America that is great?  The issue with great is that it is subjective.  I want to know who's idea of great people were thinking about when they embraced the slogan.

I for one think that it would be great if we did a lot of things in the United States.  Let's find ways to raise the level of education in this country so we are not lagging behind so many other countries in the world.  I also think it would be great if people in this country did not so often have to choose between paying rent or receiving adequate healthcare.   I think it would be great if the President did not mock the disabled, a prisoner of war, a gold star family, or a survivor of sexual assault.

Wait, what? Yeah, I can't believe it either.  The man who is the President of the United States acts like a bully. We have all seen it through various news outlets.  The question is, are you outraged?  I am!  If you are not outraged, why not?  Explain to me how you can not be outraged at the way that the President treats people.  Did I say that you don't agree with his politics? No.  This is not an attack or partisan issue.  This is a human decency question and I'm very serious.

I am a woman, a mother, a daughter, a person.  How can you sit by and think that mocking someone who has stated that she is a survivor of sexual assault is ok?  Fact - the allegations have not been proven or discredited.  But how do you not see that the reaction that you have to the allegations have an impact on others.  My personal belief about Dr. Ford's testimony aside, how can this be a logical response in 2018 to someone's claim about sexual assault?  What example does it set to others?

Think! Some people were waiting to hear the testimony of both sides to form an opinion.  Some were waiting on the shame of a one week FBI investigation as they are not given enough time to delve into the facts.  If as a mom, dad, aunt, or uncle, you react and say that Dr. Ford is lying and this is all a ploy, what does this say to your daughter or niece?  This says that without any proof of lying that the behavior of assault is acceptable.  If you make fun of Dr. Ford or any other accuser, what are the chances that your loved one when assaulted will come to you?  What message are you sending to women everywhere?  This is the reason that approximately only 30% of sexual assault cases are ever even reported.  The survivors are less likely to report because they have seen how you and society treats those who step forward.

Maybe perhaps we have already grown accustomed to the tyrannical behavior of the President and some are now numb to his antics.  Perhaps we don't believe the survivors of sexual assault.  Even worse, perhaps someone believes that the behavior is acceptable because the actual act of rape did not occur. (The President himself has sexual assault allegations against him.)   I am outraged that these are the scenarios that I can come with why people would not be outraged.  So let's make America great again by having some compassion and holding the leaders of the country to a deeper level of respect that should accompany the positions that they hold.

#WhyIDidntReport - The Sad Truth

Rape, Harassment, Assault - completed or attempted - Does it matter?  Should it matter?  Does when it happened matter?  What happens when all of this is publicized day in and day out?

Emotions and let's not forget - politics are running high right now with the review of the SCOTUS nomination of Brett Kavanaugh.  Women from his past, albeit 30 or more years ago, are coming forward to claim that at a minimum Judge Kavanaugh attempted to assault women in his teenage years.  I have heard the Fox News report state that Dr. Ford still was fully clothed and was not actually raped.  First of all, it is almost as they were admitting that this happened even though the term used was allegedly.  Second of all, shame on you and anyone else who thinks that it only counts if the assailant was able to complete the heinous act. 

What do I mean?  If you are a parent or even know someone who is a parent.  Let's say heaven forbid, that you notice someone following you and the child through a grocery store.  The person doesn't have any groceries or a cart.  The person then trails you through aisle after aisle.  Then you notice that the person is taking pictures - not of you, but of your child!  (Creeper!)  You go to confront the person with the pictures of your child and he/she runs out of the grocery store.  Other around who are alerted to your plight try to catch the assailant, but he jumps into a car that is waiting for him in the parking lot.  You call the police and the police let you know that this has been reported in the past and the person was likely taking pictures of your child to see if there was a buyer for human trafficking.

My heart bleeds for any parent, person, child, human that has had encountered such a situation.  I have 3 children and I was so overprotective of my children that they may have thought I was a nut case!  (I might be for other reason.)  Now after this ordeal, people are comforting you.  Thankfully, your child is not another damaged soul sold off into slavery.  Let me ask you, was that parent not traumatized?  The child was not abducted.  The child is now safely home with the parent.  Will the parent not react differently when out with the child?  Will it not haunt the parent or become the subject of future dreams?  Will the parent not wake up in the middle of the night to make sure that the child they could have lost was still soundly sleeping?

From: https://www.rainn.org/statistics

To not confuse this Dr. Ford's testimony, I will tell another tale of attempted rape.  At sixteen a young women goes with a couple of friend's to someone's house to hang out.  This was not a party.  It was a small group of people about 10-12 and the young lady only knows 2 of the people.  She goes to put her hoodie in a bedroom where everyone else has dropped their coats on the bed.  For some reason she didn't notice that someone was in the room.  She turns around and he has closed the door.  She heads for the door buy he grabs her arm.  He covers her mouth and nose so she can get any words out.  The teenage boy pushes her down on the bed and with his hand and still over the girls mouth and nose begins fondling her breasts.  The girl is trying to fight back but the boy has enough weight on him to keep her pinned down.  It is getting harder for her to fight back because it is getting harder to breathe.  She tries to keep her wits about her having been assaulted before.  She pretends to lose consciousness from the hand being over her mouth and nose.  The young man still fondling the sixteen year old girl notices this.  Slides his hands over her body, but finally decides that she is no longer a threat.  He gets up to begin to take down his clothes.  The girl who has been fighting every urge to fight back with the horror of the roaming hands he had on her just seconds earlier seizes this opportunity to jump up and run to the door.  She bangs on the door as he tries to pull her back to the bed.  Fortunately, the two friends that she came with hear her banging and are able to break the lock on the bedroom door and get her out.

This poor young lady.  Again, my heart bleeds for her and all people who can relate to the story.  This girl was not penetrated thankfully.  Was she not traumatized?  Will she react differently when going out to other houses?  Even though she is at home in her supposed safety, will it not haunt her or become the subject of future dreams?  Does she wonder if she will ever sleep soundly again?

Why do I compare the two?  When the door was busted down and the sixteen year old girl fleeing the apartment said what had happened, the teenage boy said she must be mistaken.  The door was stuck, she fell on the bed, she kissed him (she didn't), and so on.  While the mother who's child could have been abducted was consoled and asked about the stalker, the sixteen year-old was asked about herself.  What was she wearing?  How short were her shorts?  Had she been drinking?  Is she sure about what had just happened?  Did she say no?

In short, only about 31% of sexual assault case are reported.  The victim is repeatedly victimized by the memory, his/herself, and justice system when reported.  The trauma of sexual assault can linger with the victim even after he/she thinks that have finally gotten over it.  For those who have been lucky enough not to experience sexual assault, please know that millions of survivors are reliving their trauma right now as we debate the merits of the Kavanaugh case.

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If you are a survivor of sexual assault, you are not alone.  To reach out for help, one source is the National Sexual Assault hotline 800-656-HOPE (4673).

Leadership: Is A Call To Action

John Quincy Adams said, " If your actions inspire other to dream more, learn more, do more, and become more--you are a leader."  In other words leadership is a call to action.

How many people have never faced a single challenge or obstacle in their lives?  The answer is assuredly no one.  Why? It's obvious that ignorance is bliss and unless you are completely ignorant with no opposition to your ignorance...well you faced something!  In life we all face obstacles and it our actions the define our leadership abilities.  The great thing about our lives is that we each have the opportunity to be a leader.  It does not matter your age, social standing, or beliefs, we are all in a position to be extraordinary leaders.

Sometimes leadership can come from the most unlikely circumstances.  It can start by a refusal to work with someone accused of sexual harassment like Gal Gadot's refusal to work with Brett Ratner on the Wonder Woman sequel.  Perhaps it starts with the dumping of the tea in a harbor to symbolize unjust taxation or it was a defiant Audrey Hepburn who risked it all during WWII with the resistance against the Nazis. Maybe it starts with a little act of compassion like that of my Aunt Becky Carroll who co-founded the #standwithaleppo movement for Syrian refugees.

There are a million other examples around the world.  What they all have in common is action?  What we don't see enough of is positive action in the world.  Someone told me a general principal is that what you put out to the world, you get back--basic law of karma.  Today my karma is telling me that we all need to take action.  It can all start simply!

When my son was young he was very ill and lethargic.  I truly did not understand how ill he was.  I had noticed that he had a flu or something and asked his dad to take him to the doctor since I had just started a new job.  The doctor told my husband to take my son to the emergency room after he examined him.  Well, I knew that when his dad told me that he was taking him the ER after the doctor saw him, new job be damned, I was heading there too.  By the time I got the ER, my son's condition deteriorated.   He was on 100 percent oxygen.  I walked in to the ER like a mad woman.  I think my theatrics probably put even Kramer to shame.  He needed to be medivaced to Children's Memorial Hospital.  He was admitted to the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit (PICU).

That same night as I stayed in the hospital with my son, my husband called and said that my four year old daughter was ill.  He brought her to the ER at Children's.  She was admitted to a regular hospital bed on the 9th floor.  The next couple of days, I spent a lot of time on the elevator at the hospital with my son still being in the PICU on the 2nd floor.  Luckily for us, we were able to take turns getting some rest at the Ronald McDonald House.

My children are probably tired of hearing me tell this story because I used it for my Toastmasters International Speech competition in 2017.  Two years later, I welcomed my third child and she too has heard the story too many times.  She knows all about my appreciation for the Ronald McDonald House.  One day while at McDonald's (a  treat for her), she saw the collection box.  She asked me if that is where I stayed when her brother and sister were in the hospital.  I told her it was.  She asked for my change and put the money in the collection box.  Now she could have stopped there, but instead she reached into her little purse and pulled out her own money to put in the collection box.  I knew right then that I had another natural born leader.  A simple call to action!

Why you may ask is this a call to action?  Because it was her first step in realizing the inequalities of the world and the need for compassion.  That day showed me that she was going to go above and beyond just like all of my children.  She has served on her student council, volunteers at the Food Bank, and she turned 12 only a couple of weeks ago!  My son and daughter have volunteered to get people out to vote in the last election even though my oldest daughter was only 17 during the 2016 election.  My children have taken the call to action!

Leadership can come from simple things like leading by example or being the change that you want to see in the world.  Today, my call to action is this blog letting you know that regardless of age, gender, religion, sexual preference, country of origin, or socio-economic status you have the opportunity to make a difference.  Simon Sinek, the author of How Great Leaders Inspire Everyone to Take Action said, "Leadership is not a license to do less.  Leadership is a responsibility to do more."  Every day is an opportunity to be a leader.  Hone your leadership skills and with the leader that resides in the core of each of us stand up to answer the call to action.  Aspire to be a great leader, a better leader, someone you would be willing to fall.

As John Wooden, the basketball player and coach who won 10 NCAA championship in a 12 year span said, “Don’t measure yourself by what you have accomplished, but by what you should have accomplished with your ability.” As my children continue to do for me, may you inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more, and become more!

Failing: Dreamers, DACA, and Decisions

"Give me your tired, your poor...," written on the very statue, a symbol of our great nation as sign to welcome people to this country.  After World War I, my family came from all different areas of Europe looking for this American Dream.  I have to say that I am lucky that they did.  I looked at the birth certificates of my grandparents.  The one thing that they had in common was that there parents were all immigrants.  I am third generation American, and strapped of course with First World problems.

I was lucky that the four generations back, my great-grandparents did the hard work and left everything that they had known to come to country.  Coming here after one of the hardest and most devastating times in history.  Imagine trying to survive as new immigrant having only been in this country a few years to have to live through the Great Depression.  They didn't return to their countries despite the hardships that the nation faced...no they stayed for the promise of the American dream for themselves and their children.

Dreamers..that is exactly what my great-grandparents were.  Many of them came here as young children.  My great-grandparents didn't have a choice in where they came or when, anymore than children have choice in the hideous outfits they wore as children.  (Where were the fashion police when I was kid?)  What is a "Dreamer?"  It is just someone looking to achieve the American dream.  The land of opportunity--where a college drop-out can become a billionaire, where one person refusing to move on a bus can start a movement, where one man can have a dream for his children to not be judged by color of their skin, where all people are endowed with inalienable right--this is the dream.

Many people seem to forget that the Dream Act, in which we get the title Dreamers, was actually introduced by then President George W. Bush.  In 2001, Congress was unable to pass the Dream Act - Development, Relief, and Education for Alien Minors - to allow those people who were brought here as children to have a path to permanent residency.  These are children whose crime is being brought to a foreign country as a child often with little belongings and leaving behind everything that they know.  Some of these children are brought here so young they can't remember any other country than this one.  When I was 4, my father was stationed on a military base when orders came that he was being transferred to a different one.  One day I lived in one state and the next day I lived in another.  I was not given a choice or consulted.  Why? Because I was a child!  The only difference for me, I am lucky enough to be born in this country.

With the failed Dream Act and no prospects of coming to a bi-partisan resolution, then President Barak Obama created DACA - Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals.  Here are few things about DACA:

• Must be under 31 years old as of June 15, 2012
• Must have been brought to the United States prior to 16 years old
• Must have continuously lived in the United States since 2007
• 100% of recipients have not criminal record
• 91% are employed or going to school
• It cost MONEY!!!

According to statistics, there are 1.9 million eligible Dreamers who could have applied for DACA, but less than 800,000 did.  One of the greatest barriers to applying for DACA is the money it costs.  The fee was $465 for initial and renewal applications.  Another great fear for the children is the family members in the household that did not meet the qualifications to apply for DACA and declaring their place of residence.  With DACA these Dreamers are/were able to temporarily live in this country, work, and get an education.  What did that mean to the American people?  More payments to the federal government, collected taxes, and a thorough background check on every Dreamer's application.

In 2017, President Trump decided to end DACA.  These Dreamers are no longer offered the protections that the DACA programmed offered.  Once their permits expire, they will no longer receive the protection from deportation from a country that they consider their home.  What does that mean? We as a society, as a nation, as rational human beings are failing.  We are failing to consider basic human decency, failing to protect top talent and educated people, failing to put aside political views, and most importantly--failing to provide hope to the next generation.  The Dream Act failed, DACA failed, and no decisions have been reached.

What can be done?  Congress has six weeks to come to some decisions.  Can they put aside their own agendas to make sure that we don't fail?  Can they stop pointing fingers long enough to look into the eyes of the families that will be ripped apart? Can they stop holding the lives of over a million young people hostage for the sake of an ill-promised wall?  I guess if history has taught us anything is that people in power do not always represent the will of the people they are supposed to represent.  I encourage each of your to reach out to your Senator and Congressman, let them know that you do not want to fail our Dreamers again.  Many of us are still out there searching for the American dream. #defenddaca #istandwithdreamers

To find your congressman or state senator's contact information visit: https://contactingcongress.org/